As much as Natalia had been determined at the time to conceal the fact that she had stolen the money intended for the NONA event and spent it on herself, and as much as she hated the way Raul had gone about things (where did he get off, anyway, making that big thing about how there should be no more secrets when he was keeping the biggest secret of them all?) and regrets her own part in outing Isabela, she’s starting to think she might be able to see where he’s coming from.
They’re both keeping secrets right now, Javier and herself; Javier by not coming out and telling Natalia he still loves Sofia, and Natalia by pretending she doesn’t know that she is his second choice. Sofia and Raul seem happy together, from what Natalia understands (she keeps in touch, although with Raul more than Sofia), but Natalia knows that if something did happen and Sofia was single again, Javier would want to be with her again. She’s not sure if Javier would actually act on it, or whether he would stick with Natalia because he felt he had to; either way, she knows she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t really want to be with her. But at the same time, Natalia doesn’t want to be the one to bring the subject up, force the issue, because another part of her is scared of hearing him admit the truth that Sofia is the one he really wants. In a way it’s easier for her to go on pretending she hasn’t noticed anything, to say nothing, to keep him by her side. Sofia and Raul are happy; Sofia actually seems to like the fact that Raul had done so much crazy shit to get her. Although Natalia wouldn’t want a boyfriend to do quite that for her, she envies Sofia in a way because Sofia can be secure in Raul’s love for her in a way that Natalia can’t.
If Maria were still here, Natalia could have talked it through with her. When Natalia thinks of her sister, again she thinks that Raul and Sofia were right all along about secrets. If she hadn’t had so many secrets to keep, would Maria have been alive today? Natalia thinks of Maria, unable to talk to anyone about her role in the cover up of Principal Susana’s death; the whole thing had started with the secret affair she and Pablo were keeping from Isabela, leading to her abortion, and Natalia had put her through so much with the sugar daddy thing and the drug dealers, and saving Natalia had been the only reason Maria was there at all when Susana died. Leaving Mexico City for Acapulco had not been enough to save Maria; the only thing that could have would have been to turn back the clock, to speak the truth; as Sofia had led them all in coming clean about the events surrounding Susana’s death, Natalia had been unable to stop herself from thinking how if they had told the truth sooner, Maria would still have been with her.
A part of Natalia feels like she should be the one to speak the truth now, to set them both free from the lie they’re living; it had felt liberating to confess what happened with Susana, and in one way it would end the uncertainty that Natalia’s been living under. Yet another part of her isn’t sure that she’s ready to make that leap, to cut the tie still binding her to Javier, let go of that safety net and move on to a future all her own.
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The Ties That Bind (Control Z, Natalia)
Date: 2022-08-08 09:34 pm (UTC)They’re both keeping secrets right now, Javier and herself; Javier by not coming out and telling Natalia he still loves Sofia, and Natalia by pretending she doesn’t know that she is his second choice. Sofia and Raul seem happy together, from what Natalia understands (she keeps in touch, although with Raul more than Sofia), but Natalia knows that if something did happen and Sofia was single again, Javier would want to be with her again. She’s not sure if Javier would actually act on it, or whether he would stick with Natalia because he felt he had to; either way, she knows she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t really want to be with her. But at the same time, Natalia doesn’t want to be the one to bring the subject up, force the issue, because another part of her is scared of hearing him admit the truth that Sofia is the one he really wants. In a way it’s easier for her to go on pretending she hasn’t noticed anything, to say nothing, to keep him by her side. Sofia and Raul are happy; Sofia actually seems to like the fact that Raul had done so much crazy shit to get her. Although Natalia wouldn’t want a boyfriend to do quite that for her, she envies Sofia in a way because Sofia can be secure in Raul’s love for her in a way that Natalia can’t.
If Maria were still here, Natalia could have talked it through with her. When Natalia thinks of her sister, again she thinks that Raul and Sofia were right all along about secrets. If she hadn’t had so many secrets to keep, would Maria have been alive today? Natalia thinks of Maria, unable to talk to anyone about her role in the cover up of Principal Susana’s death; the whole thing had started with the secret affair she and Pablo were keeping from Isabela, leading to her abortion, and Natalia had put her through so much with the sugar daddy thing and the drug dealers, and saving Natalia had been the only reason Maria was there at all when Susana died. Leaving Mexico City for Acapulco had not been enough to save Maria; the only thing that could have would have been to turn back the clock, to speak the truth; as Sofia had led them all in coming clean about the events surrounding Susana’s death, Natalia had been unable to stop herself from thinking how if they had told the truth sooner, Maria would still have been with her.
A part of Natalia feels like she should be the one to speak the truth now, to set them both free from the lie they’re living; it had felt liberating to confess what happened with Susana, and in one way it would end the uncertainty that Natalia’s been living under. Yet another part of her isn’t sure that she’s ready to make that leap, to cut the tie still binding her to Javier, let go of that safety net and move on to a future all her own.